Super Cori

A family vacation, what could possibly go wrong? Sigh. Lots. But I am very excited nonetheless. We have not been on a vacation as a family for almost 2 years! Well, if you want to be precise, it was the same time of year and the same place 2 years ago. But we don’t even care!

We live in Tumwater Washington, and crave the ocean. Apparently most of our family does, because they eventually all move to Long Beach Washington. We use to have family reunions every September at my Aunt and Uncle’s place, but over the years the amount of family that went seemed to dwindle. I suppose life got in the way. 2 years ago they decided to make them a big deal again and we went. I honestly don’t remember if there was one scheduled last year, but we didn’t make it. But this year it was planned before early in the year. As the months went on, and it appeared that covid was not going to let us get together, it was canceled. But the Tenney family said “oh no, we still going!”. As a matter of fact, we increased the amount of time we are going! We have a 2 bedroom condo reserved. It has everything we could need to live and all we need is food and clothes. John can’t miss work, so he is going to join us Friday after work, but the kids and I are packing up Tuesday night and leaving around 10 or 11 Wednesday morning!!!! Mommy happy.

Let me explain why I am so excited. Vacation. I need one. Aside from a 3 day weekend every now and then, I have not had a long stretch of time off from working in 2 years! That is too much. I love my job, but I know when I need time to heal my brain, and that time is for sure before the Christmas shipping season.

Next, John isn’t going to be the hero. Now let me explain, because I know that sounds rude. When he is around, I depend on him too much. I love going on trips by myself, but I have NEVER taken the kids on a trip without him. This is going to be challenging and rewarding and amazing all at once. I won’t have him to do anything for me, or us, so I will step up and be the mom I love to be. On top of that, I won’t have to be on the go the entire time. Sitting in the sand or on the deck…yes please. I will take the kids a few places, and we will go to the beach, but this is my vacation as much as theirs and we will relax got dang it.

There are wildfires all over our area, and the wind is blowing them up from as far away as California, so we are not even able to open the windows right now. They say it is going to start raining tomorrow or Tuesday, and that might have gotten me down if it was a different vacation….but not when you go to the beach! Storms at the beach are the freaking best. Especially in the fall. It is just magic. The kids agree with me too. Candles, movies and wind with fresh air??? Yes please!

The kids are so excited, they actually sat down with me and we made a menu and they are going to start packing their stuff after school tomorrow.

The 5 days will go by too fast, I know they will, but I will make them count. This is going to be so much fun.

As you have read, I suffer from bipolar type 2. I was under the impression that I had it under control, but more and more lately I don’t believe that to be true.

I take no less that 3 pills daily to keep me level. I should take 7, but for what ever reason, I can’t remember to take them. The 3 I do take are the minimum pills I can take and still be a productive part of society. One of the 3 is the pill for treating the bipolar itself. It is a strong drug with horrible side effects if I take it wrong. It is heavily monitored by my psychiatrist. The other 2 are technically one medication, but I take 2 pills. This is the one I should really take 6 of a day. They are a mood stabilizer. I hate that. I hate that I require 6 pills to keep my mood stable per day. So I take 2 and call it good.

I have another prescription, but it is an emergency anxiety medication. This one I actually like. It works fast. It takes the pain away. I could easily become addicted to this medication, but I am strong enough to keep it in check. The funny thing about this pill….I could take the bottle and end it all. Why would a doctor give that to a person who wanted to die when they started seeing him? I suppose the risk was worth it. This medication was actually prescribed for me to take 2 per day to just keep me numb, and it was needed. But now I take them for when the shaking starts and the pain comes.

I have worked at my job for just shy of a year now. To be exact, October 1st is my 1 year anniversary (which is crazy and a whole different blog). In the year I have worked there, I have taken my anxiety medication while on the clock 2 times. Both were this week. It all revolves around covid, the first day “back” to school and my lack of a teaching degree….but I won’t get into all that this time. The unbearable amount of stress sent me over the edge and just royally messed my entire week up. I feel like I am losing control again and it is weighing on me big time.

When my bipolar is getting out of control, I stop and reconfigure my life. I am not going to let this school bull poo let me lose my grip. I am dealing with it in the best way I can, and making lots of notes for myself and the kids so that we don’t get left behind. I cannot fail them or myself. Of course, working all week, and doing school the parts of the day I am not working means the house work didn’t really get done. I have about 7 loads of laundry on my love seat and 4 more on the floor of my laundry room. So tomorrow, my one day off, will be spent getting ready for the following week. The good news? WE GET TO GO ON A REAL VACATION IN 4 SLEEPS!!!! And got dang does my broken brain need it.

Halloween is literally the greatest holiday ever. Oh sure, I also love Christmas, but Halloween is the beginning of all the holidays and it is just so amazing. The smell alone is unique. When I open my decorations box, it has a special smell of all its own.

I have a ritual. September 1st, no matter how hot it is, I decorate for fall. I make the ball and chain go look for the decorations and I pull out all the fall and Halloween. I stash the Halloween for easy retrieval later, then …….I deep clean. I think one of the best things about decorating is the clean house that smells of the holiday when you are all finished. This is, of course, where you would slip in a holiday related beverage. Anything apple or pumpkin for fall and Halloween, and anything with chocolate or cinnamon for Christmas decorating.

There are a few key points to keep in mind here. The most important key is……MAKE SURE THE FAMILY LEAVES. This is important because they will want to help. If you’re anything like me, you don’t want their help. The second reason is, you cannot clean while there are people home. Especially the little sticky ones. So kick their butts out. The second key….music or movie. Turning on a Halloween movie or Christmas music while you’re decorating just sets the mood.

I prefer to get all the hard work done in one day, so that by dark I can enjoy the glow of my lights and hard work. Light the candles, and sit back and enjoy the view. I simply cannot express how much I love decorating for the holidays.

My family thinks I am crazy if I decorate too early, so I like to wait until the first of what ever month I am decorating for…..and October is taking TOO LONG!!!!

Over the past few weeks, I have been working on Cori. Nothing too crazy, essentially just following through with my ideas of what would make me happy.

I have been baking again. Now that I don’t “have to”, I love it again. The simplicity of following the list of ingredients, the satisfaction of cleaning after you’re done, enjoying the smell of baked goods. It is all good. But when you can make something from scratch, it makes you feel proud.

Another thing I wanted to start again…cooking dinner. Such a simple thing, but one I didn’t do for some time. Now I am grocery shopping, making menus and making a home cooked meal. Trying to come up with new dinners that all my kids will eat. Well, that is impossible, but I am trying.

House cleaning has been important. I have not gotten a good deep clean in a few days, so tomorrow I hope to find time. But my number 1 goal for tomorrow….GARDENING!

I have been getting back on track with my reading 30 books in 2020. I just finished book 17. I am having a hard time finding what I want to read next, but have a trip to the library planned for tomorrow. I have also completely gutted my journal/calendar to help keep me on track. Plus it is just so fun to do.

My mom and I use to walk a few miles 3 to 4 days a week up in the hills, and now that I am working outside the house, and she works from home (thank you pandemic), it just wasn’t happening. We walked 2 times this week though! Even Spencer went with us.

These all add up to a normal persons day. But for someone with bipolar, they can be impossible tasks. So when I put my mind to it and succeed, I feel a pride unlike any other.

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I work a part time job. My hours can range from 24 to 35, depending on what is happening that week. My perfect hour count is around 32. It gives me enough money and by the time my Friday rolls around, I am the perfect amount of tired.

The past few weeks I have been given more responsibilities, and I am learning more about running the store so my boss can work very part time. We only have 4 of us. The owner, myself and 2 nineteen year old boys. Now, before you think negatively about the 2 nineteen year olds, they do very well there. Sure they have the monotone teen voice thing, and sure they are on their phones more than finding something to do….but I love the kids. I think it is because I have a boy their age and love having a good relationship with kids. My point to this? I am beat. Lately my Friday afternoons are spent not wanting to be there. I got weekend on the mind! I spend so much time being customer service Cori, that it drains me. I love love love my job. I actually can not express how much I love my little adorable store and the fact that my boss is giving me more responsibility. But by Friday……I need that weekend!

I work 5 days a week. My days off differ every other week. If I work Wednesday, I get the whole weekend off. If I get Wednesday off, I have to work Saturday. So I get every other weekend off. Only having 2 full weekends a month can be challenging. I do better mentally with a full weekend. I need that weekend to recharge and be ready for the coming week. But I only get that every other week……and it sort of sucks. One of the boys wanted to work today (to get out of plans he didn’t want to do) and how could I say no to 2 full weekends in a row! So here I am on the couch loving the quiet. Technically my weekend started at 2:30 yesterday, so it is 2.5 days off. Not hating that 😉.

My weekends are so important to my mental health care. This is no joke. I need specific things to keep me mentally strong. And one is resting one full day a week. To not put real clothes on, and to just sit. I journal, read, watch tv and clean up the house. The house cleaning thing is negotiable by the way.

My husband on the other hand….has to always be moving. Always wants to do stuff. It drives me nuts. We have 2 different ideas of relaxing. 2 different ideas of vacations. Litterally my ideal vacation is going to a beautiful place and just chilling. Looking at the view from my living situation….tent, porch on condo….chairs on beach. I just love it. He wants to explore and stuff. Ew.

We are going on vacation next month to Long Beach. I am sure Covid will stop the fun things from happening. The condo we’re staying at has a pool and game room, but I am not sure they’ll be open. I bet the other things in town are, but those are the things I like to avoid. I could hang by the pool if it isn’t raining. I have lots of books to read. The kids are old enough to go to the game room alone. John actually isn’t going to meet us there until Friday, but the kids and I are going Wednesday morning. I CAN’T WAIT TO HAVE THAT KING SIZE BED ALL TO MYSELF! This vacation will be amazing and I need it so badly. It will be the long weekend that prepare me for the busy shipping season that is coming.

So here’s to the people that need a day to do nothing. A day to put your jammies on, grab a book, turn the TV off………and do nothing.

Well, calm down. I don’t mean that in an upbeat, good mom sort of way. Cuz no way. That’s not it at all.

But do I love cleaning? Heck yeah! But only if the environment is perfect. That’s weird right? Naw brah. Hear me out. Picture it. You have a weekday off, the kids have all left for school, or wherever kids go now that the world is ending, and you’re alone. You’ve made a beautiful cup of piping hot coffee, with just the perfect amount of creamer in it. You’ve got your favorite binge show on, or favorite music playing……and……INSERT CLEANING! It is utterly therapeutic. I won’t go into how sometimes I actually make check lists to enhance the special moments. Yeah. I’m a freak. I always start in the kitchen, because it is the literal hub of the home. When you have 5 people in 1 home, you’re about to find 2,679 dishes in the most random of places and you’ll need a clean kitchen. Then living room. At this point I’ve washed 2 loads of laundry and I feel amazing.

Why is the environment so important for my cleaning ritual? Because if you’ve tried to clean with 3 kids following behind you depositing their crap on the clean spots….you know how useless it is. I literally try to get rid of my entire family for 24 hour periods so I can clean.

The only thing that makes cleaning better is when my bff and I have the day off together and we spend 6 hours talking on the phone cleaning. She cleans her house and I clean mine.

There are 2 times of the year that cleaning is absolutely the bees knees. The day I decorate for Halloween, and the day I decorate for Christmas. Although January 2nd is a good day too….the day all the holiday clutter goes away. Nothing like a goooooood deep clean day. And I always deep clean before I decorate.

So yeah. I love cleaning. Cleaning your home is super helpful in cleaning your brain and soul. Nothing helps me more when I am overwhelmed, than cleaning my home.

I am a bad mom. I am not the “oh honey” kind of mom. I am the “rub some dirt in it” kind of mom. I can’t handle loud noises. I don’t know what I am doing. I will never get it right. They, without a doubt, would have been better off with a different, less bipolar, mommy. This is 100% the way I feel. Every day I wish I had not passed on my crazy gene. But here I am, struggling through everyday, messing it up as I go. Making it less likely that they will ever become parents, because they “will never be like me”. And I hate it. It eats at me. I can’t change the way I am anymore than I can change the way people react to the way I am.

I had a dream of the type of mom I wanted to be, as I am sure we all did. But that dream went out the window when I decided to have a 3rd and work. Add to that working management and being diagnosed with bipolar type 2, and you have the perfect storm for mother of the year. I want to do cute workbooks, homeschooling, family trips without yelling and screaming, shit….a meal without screaming. But it is too late. I have single handedly ruined 3 perfect little babies by making them cynical, rude little people.

I don’t regret having them in my life. I regret bringing me into their lives. I love them very much. Although I am sure it is hard to tell by listening to me. Maybe it is the mental illness talking, or the bad day of yelling at them, or the stupid pandemic that keeps us at eachother all day every day until the end of freaking time! But today I wish that they had a soft mommy. One that tucked them in, where their rooms were clean and their hair was brushed. Where their retainer wasn’t stepped on today, and the livingroom wasn’t trashed again. Where they fell asleep knowing it was a good day, instead of being upset that they disappointed me because it was day 3 of room cleaning and it is still only half done.

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I always set my alarm. Oh sure, there are probably 1 or 2 days a month I let myself wake up naturally, but setting an alarm is best for me. I use to hate mornings. I still hate waking up. But now that everyone is always home, I make time for myself in the morning.

Quiet is not something I like….my body needs it. Time alone. It seems selfish I guess, but to me it is a form of mental health care. If I cannot reset my mind, I can not be the best Cori I can possibly be. It took a while for my family to understand it, but they know that once 9pm hits, I am off to the quiet and peace of my room to read or watch TV and to enjoy the few minutes I need at the end of the day.

So when I go to bed, I go off of what time I work the next day (it depends on the shift I have) and add 2 to 2.5 hours. I wake up, come down and make an amazing cup of coffee and relax in the silence of the house and neighborhood. Being rushed in the morning does not make for a peaceful day. I think we can all appreciate that.

I will admit that I wish I had the willpower to get straight into the shower….I tend to dilly dally in the morning. Today I did though. Got right up and showered. I was so use to almost running late that I headed to the car at 9:15 thinking I had to open the store at 9:30….we open at 10. Sigh. Nerd. But now I get to sit and drink coffee and listen to the birds. Today I have learned I prefer to get ready first, then sit. I may have to try it all next week and see how it goes! Tomorrow is my Saturday/Sunday and I will NOT set the alarm. Nope. Mommy sleeping in tomorrow.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

I’ve always wanted to start a blog, but have had too many ideas about the themes. So I suppose I shall write about Cori in general and just give you all what I got!

I am the mother of 3, 2 boys (18 and 11) and 1 girl (13…fun right?), a wife, and a 3/4 time working super hero. I work at an adorable small shop where we ship packages and have post office type mail boxes. We are also a print shop of sorts. My day is filled with projects and packages. I love my job. I love my coworkers. I am so lucky to work a tenth of a mile from home, allowing me to walk if I am so inclined.

I am also bipolar. Well, I have bipolar type 2, I am not bipolar. I don’t allow the diagnosis define me. But at the same time, it is absolutely a daily struggle. I am not ashamed of my mental illness and talk quite frequently about it. It is important to me that people know I have it. For 2 reasons really. 1) they understand the small things that they might wonder about. Like…why I cry so much, or why I get so overwhelmed sometimes. And 2) because I am a normal functioning woman. If you didn’t know that I had this, you wouldn’t know. The stigma behind the word bipolar makes me mad. So if I can show people that I am a normal person that can function, then maybe it will show people that this illness isn’t such a scary thing. So get use to reading about my daily struggles. Maybe it will make you feel better about the sad day your having, or maybe I will inspire you to get through your hard time. I have helped many people out during hard times, and that is because I understand. I am a listener. I am an empathetic person. I will always put myself in your shoes and make sure you feel comfortable. And people like that.

So here I am. Super Cori. Here to spill my guts about the everyday things I deal with. Some boring, lots funny. Mostly a crazy mess. But that’s me! A crazy mess indeed. Come along on my journey.